It seems that if enough time passes, just about any music can become ironically appreciated: Journey, Phil Collins, Christopher Cross, Mozart. Yet, for some reason, Michael Bolton remains in the pop culture dog house. For what? His permamullet? For soundtracking your wife’s third affair? I call bullshit. Sooner or later the hipsters will put down that ironic can of PBR and realize that The Bolt was The Man. Did anyone ever call him “The Bolt”? They should. And the San Diego Chargers better make him their official mascot, pronto. Maybe the power of that tenor will make up for L.T.’s lackluster play as of late.
When I ask myself what I expect from a decent music video, the first thing that pops into my mind is a group of horses running through superimposed fire. You can’t go wrong with that and that is something that we get within the first 15 seconds of this video. What could make this opening scene even better? Cut to The Bolt holding the secrets of sex in his hands. Then we get brief glimpses of some hot ass touching herself…IN BLACK AND WHITE! After about a minute and a half, you may ask yourself: “Why is this video vaguely Native American?” Probably because Native American culture is SEXXXY! We also discover that The Bolt is waaaayyyy too sexy (Native American?) to be afraid of heights.
This video is a masterpiece of the editing room: Eagle! Fire! Sex! Chest hair! Mullet! Rocks! Horses! Perfect teeth! More mullet! Aerial shot of mullet! Really the only part of this video that seems ridiculous is that someone would be standing on top of a mountain, in the desert, without any sunglasses. That’s just eye damage waiting to happen.
Did I mention that this video was uploaded to YouTube by someone named “69solitarias”? Obviously, they totally get Michael Bolton.
When Jezy nominated this video as a “Shit Vids” candidate my first thought was: “Does he hate the mentally challenged?”
I should come clear and admit that the first cassette tape I ever owned was Garth Brooks’ Ropin’ the Wind. To a kid who lived in the country surrounded by pet cows who would regularly bump into our giant satellite dish, rendering it impossible to see “Thundercats” through the static, the album was a godsend. Why I never became a professional bull rider is still a question I wrestle with every morning as I put the first dip of Skoal in my lip.
Anyway, this video is retarded. It’s one of those condescending pop culture moments, like I Am Sam, “Life Goes On“, or Sean Hannity’s career, that attempts to show us that mentally challenged people can do anything. Instead of being a heartwarming inspiration, these things usually just end up being exploitative. And, or, they gravely misuse Beatles songs.
So, in this video we have a bucolic kid with Downs Syndrome who wants to try out for his high school’s regular track and field event rather than the Special Olympics version. Mom like this idea. Dad and coach no like this idea. Think idea bad idea.
His mother is a constant encouraging force, even going so far as to let the boy nearly run over some high school chicks in her car (0:29). And you thought Student Drivers were a terrorizing presence on the road! What the father says at 1:08 is called “foreshadowing”. Inexplicably, at 1:58, Garth decides this is a Metallica video, complete with fire and The Hetfield Evil Eye. Or did the kid literally torch his school by running so damn fast? Make sure you keep watching because at 2:30 comes one of the most dramatic moments in CMT history. It might also be called “child abuse”.
This Canadian PSA is a total boner-kill…and it features a rapping penis (and I don’t mean Diddy). Happy Friday everyone!
Until you decide to come back to us, I will be transmitting Ladomour’s “All We’ve Been Through” using loudspeakers set up strategically throughout the continental United States.
I have the day off today, which so far has meant watching The Wire, doing laundry, and sorting gamelan files on my computer…uh…so now I’m going to go do some more menial tasks while leaving you with some audio-visual gems: